My Story 56 – Knock, Knock, Who’s There? Why Your Friend Anxiety!

And here we go again, and another frustrating chapter in my life and my story with anxiety. As always, I have had a good weekend. I went out with an old friend on Friday night for a couple of beers and a catch-up. It wasn’t a big night, just a good night. I came home for my tea and watched a film with my good lady.

Saturday, I went out on my bike, not very far, I must admit. It was only a local twelve-mile stretch. I’m not a fair-weather cyclist, but at my age, there are limits, and it was cold and a bit misty, so not the best of cycling conditions, and I think that was mirrored in the number of other cyclists I saw – a group of three. But it was three I managed to catch and overtake, which did make me feel a little better. They pulled out from a side road onto the road I was cycling, and at that point, they were about two hundred metres in front of me.

They looked very serious, with some serious bikes and gear, and admittedly they didn’t know I was trying to catch them, but I did, and in my little cycling and satisfaction world, I caught and overtook the three younger cyclists!

Late afternoon, my wife and I caught the train into Birmingham to watch the stage show of ‘Bat out of Hell,’ one of my all-time favourite albums, and very good it was too. We had a nice meal before the show and a couple of drinks afterwards to finish off a nice night off and catch the last train home.

Sunday, we walked a total of eighteen thousand steps, on a lovely bright mid-day walk, and a quiet afternoon, having a couple of drinks with friends and home for a quiet night. However, it was a busy night in front of the television, as we watched all six episodes of ‘After Life 3.’ That wonderful series created by Ricky Gervais. I have written about series one and two in this small post.

https://www.thruanxiouseyes.com/2020/07/03/ricky-gervais-after-life/

As mentioned in that post, I was never a fan of Ricky Gervais, not until I started watching series one, under some pressure from my good lady, and after the first couple of episodes, I had changed my mind. Close to the edge and ‘un pc’ at times, it’s how life is whether we like it or not, and it’s funny and sad at the same time. It is certainly not a situation you would want to be in.

So I wanted to start by telling you of my weekend, busy, fun and enjoyable, and I’m sure many other words could be used to describe the last few days, so you may be able to understand my frustrations and concerns this morning when I realised my old friend ‘Anxiety’ was there. On my scale of 1-10, it wasn’t high up, and I’m not even really sure, maybe a four, maybe five but no higher. But once again, it was there, and my frustrations are twofold. Why has it come back, but possibly more importantly, what has caused it to come back? Because frustrating to me – I don’t know?

After such a good weekend and not having to work Mondays, you would think I would be up on cloud nine, on a total high because of how good life is. We are looking after my three-month-old Granddaughter and something to look forward to, but no. Instead, my least favourite condition was hovering about, and that is what I don’t understand, and I wonder if I ever will. It’s been over nine years since my accident. I’m not quite sure how long since my first official diagnosis with anxiety, but I’m guessing some eight and a half years or so, it didn’t happen straight away. However, looking back, I now know I had anxiety at the beginning of February at Glasgow Airport, some five weeks after the fall; I just didn’t know it.

So why am I feeling like this? Well, I have a scan and x-ray to go for this afternoon. Is that what brought it on? Is it because that is stuck away in the back of my mind, and again I don’t know? I’m not too worried about either bringing bad news; I’m generally okay. The scan is for a ‘discomfort’ in my stomach, not an ache or pain; the doctor decided on the scan as a precaution, I’m not losing weight, there is no blood present, and it’s not sore, and the x-ray is because of excessive sweating at night, even in the middle of winter.

So I can’t say I’m overly concerned, but is that my ‘trigger’ for today, is that playing tricks with my mind, and as always, and much to my annoyance ‘I don’t know.’

I felt like crying at one stage; I felt so fed up. But instead, I got my gear on, got my bike out and headed out. The thing is, this shows us how at times, we don’t quite think things out. Because of my scan, I couldn’t eat or drink after 10.00, so when I was out, I was using energy and dehydrating without the option to refill on food and drink. So instead of my planned fifteen miles, I came home after eight, not the best decision.

Maybe not the best decision for my body, but a good one for my mind, because when I got home, I was fine. Not jumping up and down with excitement or doing cartwheels, but I was okay and a lot better than I felt before I went out. And as the day has passed and as I write this with still an hour and a half before my first appointment, I am okay, so I ask myself how could it be my appointments that set me off this morning? It’s not bothering me now, so why at 8.30 – after my long lie?

But I believe I have also mentioned this aspect before too, and it is that period in the morning from waking up to getting up, that phase where we are dozing and dreaming and thinking and another point I have mentioned before, could it have been a dream that triggered this? Well, if it was, I can’t remember anything that I dreamt so again, we will never know. Again I just have to be a little frustrated that I don’t know what brought this on this morning, especially after such a good weekend, and why a short eight-mile cycle makes the difference.

And now, I have returned home, and what a wonderful NHS service we have. My x-ray was scheduled for 3.30, and I didn’t even have time to sit down before I was called forward five minutes early. As I walked out of the x-ray room, they were waiting across the corridor in the ultrasound scan room, and I never even put my sweatshirt back on, straight over, straight on the couch and scan done, and out. I had a seven-mile drive home, and I got to the edge of town as the clock changed to 4.00, the time my scan was scheduled for. Thank you, NHS.

And how is my anxiety now? My anxiety doesn’t exist, it is 4.30, and I have a cup of coffee. My mind is away and lost in my writing world, and even though I am writing about the condition, it doesn’t affect me.

A world that includes anxiety is a strange world, at least it is for me, but as I have said so many times, if it does it to me, it must do it to other people, and as always, I am hoping this helps get the subject of anxiety out there for people to read and understand.

Thanks for reading, and stay safe

ThruAnxiousEyes

Anxiety is prominent in today's society, we hear it mentioned more and more, probably with more people suffering from the condition with the COVID pandemic amongst us. I suffered and suffered quite badly and I wanted to put my story and my experiences out there for the world to read, and so to do that I created this site (at least Dan did)! It also allows me to follow my love of writing. I hope I can help someone, and I hope you can enjoy reading my posts. Thank you

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