My Story 54 – Nine Years Later, And Still Saying ‘Hello.’

So here we are; it’s 2022, my first post of the New Year and starting this on Sunday 2^nd, and I have to say, the year didn’t get off to the best start. I woke yesterday not feeling great; my old friend anxiety was there saying hello. And again, I go back to my scale of 1-10, and I would have to say it was about 2 or 3. You may say that’s quite low on a scale of 1-10, but remember I have been anxiety free for weeks and months at a time, so when it re-appears, I don’t like it, and it concerns me, no matter how long it lasts. When it comes back, I sometimes think it feels worse because it’s been away for so long, and I get concerned that one day when it comes back to say hello, it may not go away again.

But on this occasion and as is usual these days, it did thankfully go again. The main reason for my writing is to put ‘My Story’ out there so that people may better understand how anxiety can affect people because I strongly believe if it is happening to me, it can happen to anyone.

So when I got up there it was, my old friend, lingering about in the pits of my stomach, and I didn’t know why. Sure, November to February is the worst time of the year for me from the past, brought on by myself. I have never been a fan of the festive season, and as a friend who messaged me said, they felt it was ‘forced fun’, and I have to agree. So was it a combination of everything? After all, combined, they are quite big, so I assume it was.

Anyway, it didn’t want to go away. I had been out on my bike on Friday and managed a difficult 20 miles, difficult because of my fitness levels and some strong winds, but I did it and, as always, felt better. But for some reason, I never even thought about getting the bike out again, we just had a quiet day, and I could say that in itself is something we shouldn’t do?

I have been a great believer in diversions, occupying our minds to keep anxiety at bay because when we are occupied and busy, we don’t usually think of anxiety. Cycling and writing, even about the condition, takes my mind off things, but I didn’t think of going cycling again, and I wasn’t in a writing mood, nor was I in a mood to do much else, so realistically because of my beliefs anxiety was probably always going to win yesterday. But as with a lot of things we do in life, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

I started to watch the football, Arsenal v Manchester City, on the TV and brought the darts up on my laptop. Two of my favourite sports, not my football teams but certainly in Gary Anderson, one of my favourite darts players, yet still trying to concentrate on two sports, I couldn’t get rid of this horrible feeling. It was as if even trying to watch two sports; it’s not enough to keep me occupied.

By mid-afternoon, it was starting to concern me, but we had agreed to meet my daughter and her partner for a drink, so we took the dog a walk to the pub, and it was again a little strange, but as soon as I got out the door, I started to feel better. My wife and I were chatting as we went and looking forward to catching up with my daughter and her man.

When we got to the pub, another old friend came in, and the five of us had a good old fashioned chat and a laugh, and a good time was had by all. We didn’t have much to drink, but a good time and my old friend anxiety had gone and didn’t return yesterday, nor has it popped up to say hello this morning.

I have said exercise is good for me, and needing to lose a little weight; I got up and decided to see if I could still jog. Much to my surprise, my legs let me do a little bit, jogging most of the way, fast walking the rest, but as with the cycling, when I got back, I felt better. There is so much to be said for physical exercise helping to combat mental health problems.

So today is all good, the Christmas decorations have disappeared for another twelve months, at least eleven and a half, and with the garage having had a bit of a tidy and the bird feeders having had a New Year clean and re-fill, and with Radio 2 playing in my pocket, it has been a good eventful, reasonably productive day. I feel relaxed, certainly more comfortable than yesterday.

I sometimes wonder if I am starting to feel my age. Fifty-nine in February, our festive season has centred on old age. With my parents both in their late eighties, it was nice to see them for a couple of nights, but my Father has just completed four weeks of radiotherapy, and he is starting to show his age and frailty. We had to have my Mother-in-Law taken to hospital, as she struggles physically and found herself in a situation at home whereby she couldn’t move. Luckily, she has a panic alarm that she activated. An ambulance was called, and she is now being looked after in hospital and assessed before we find more suitable accommodation for her.

And finally, we were a little concerned about our dog, fourteen in March and ninety-eight in human years if you believe the one in seven calculation, so old age all around and you do start to consider your own future and why I am a great believer in euthanasia. Not that anyone I know would need to consider that option at the moment, but it’s one I think we should be able to take when we feel we need to, and to the extent, I have written this article.

The good thing is that anxiety has gone again, I know it will come back, and I will say ‘unfortunately.’ But I’ll take an odd day or half-day compared to day after day as it was for me some eight and a half years ago when it was at its worse. It will be nine years on Thursday since I toppled off a bike on a Welsh hillside, a day that changed my life in many ways. Some because I fell and banged my head, some because I made some pretty silly decisions.

But the main thing is, most of the time, life is okay, and life is good. As mentioned, I’ll take an odd day here and there. And that is it. I’m finishing this on Sunday the 2^nd and just about to head off for a Sunday dinner at our favourite restaurant.

I hope you can all have a great 2022, and thanks for reading my posts – and stay safe