My Story 50, did I ever think I would get there? I think I can honestly say I never
had any idea, really. I had no idea how things would go; sometimes we start something we never finish, sometimes we lose interest, but I’m still going; if anyone is reading these posts or not, I have no idea, but I’m still going and I enjoy it!
I have said that writing is a great diversion for me, even when I am writing about anxiety and related stories, my mind is away in a different place, and I get lost, and I like that.
But for my story no 50, I wanted to write about the up’s and downs of this horrible condition. The up’s and downs that are still affecting my life nearly nine years after the accident that gave me this horrible companion I still have to have by my side occasionally, and as recently as this morning. The best example I can give you before today of how this can affect me is in this post:
The main thing is with this post, nothing surprises me with this condition, as I could not believe it happened, but it did. So what has happened over the last few days doesn’t surprise me either – annoy me, yes but surprise me definitely not!
So let’s have a quick look at what has been happening. A week in Fuerteventura, admittedly on edge at times if you have read my posts. A good time with good friends, a good journey home on Friday. My sister and her husband came down on Saturday lunchtime and stayed until this morning. And a good weekend it was too. I regard my sister as a very good friend, and her husband too, and the four of us always get on well, so much so we have holidayed together too.
We had a lovely meal at our local Indian restaurant on Saturday night. On Sunday we went to my daughters Mum and Stepdad’s house for a family meal – yes my ex-wife and my wife sitting at the same table, but never a worry, they are very good friends, and even they have been on holiday together, so all is good in that respect. So six of us, my daughter, her partner and the new Grandchild and a good time was had by all.
We got up this morning, and I didn’t feel good at all. For those who have read my story, you will know I scale my feelings and anxiety from zero to ten. Zero is nothing, one and two means I can only just about feel it, ten is bad as it can get, and the worst it can be. This morning was about a five or a six, and it wasn’t very pleasant.
We had had brunch, and they left around eleven, and it was a shame to see them
go, but needs must and all that. After they had gone, I sat on the sofa with my head in my hands. I tried to do things like help clear the table, and it was then my wife asked me if I was okay, and I had to say ‘no.’ Because I wasn’t, and I felt she needed to know.
There wasn’t much to say really, and we didn’t talk much, I told her I didn’t know what was wrong or what had brought it on or why it had re-appeared, I honestly had no idea, but the problem had been shared.
She mentioned me going out on my bike, which we had discussed on Sunday, and I said I might do. But I told her I wasn’t going, there was no incentive there, mentally or physically, and it had been two weeks since I had been out, and I didn’t want to go and bimble about on my bike. This wasn’t good, and I didn’t like it.
It is now four o’clock as I write this, and I have analysed the day, and I am lost. Let’s start with the part where we have just been on a good holiday, a good journey home, good friends, nice relatives, a good family meeting, and even a good meal, and all in all a good few nine/ten days, who could ask for more? Where in those last few lines do you hear anything bad, negative, disastrous, harmful or terrible or similar – well it’s quite easy really because you don’t, and I can’t add anything that could make it bad or worse, because if I did, I would be lying? My life has been nothing but good, certainly for at least two weeks and longer.
So why would I feel anxious? I have no idea because I still don’t know what brought it on. We talk about ‘triggers’, and there weren’t any, or certainly none I have recognised. In the post mentioned above, I wondered if I had dreamt something the night before. I couldn’t remember then, I certainly can’t now, and I can’t remember my dreams of last night either, but it makes me wonder!
We live a good life without a care in the world (I honestly have no worries), so why
does this condition re-appear and eat away at you, creep into your head and annoy you and get you worried and worked up – I can’t help. But I will say that it shows you that this condition doesn’t just affect you or other people when times are bad.
It doesn’t hang around looking for the weak and vulnerable, those worse off or struggling to cope in any form of life. It comes and goes when you don’t expect it, and I cannot understand it unless I am missing something that I cannot see or work out for myself; maybe that’s it, but if that is the case, it may just continue.
In the end, I just grabbed myself and realised this couldn’t go on, and I needed to do something. So I did what I said I was going to do. I got my trusty two-wheeled steed ready and set off, and the first place I headed for was ‘that hill.’ The one I can climb two to three minutes after leaving home, and that takes a bit of work to climb, at least for me it does, and I did it, and it felt good. There are many routes I can take at this stage, and as I hit the outskirts of town again, I could go straight home, and it would be about a five miles cycle, or I can keep going around the country lanes that circle the town. At most stages, apart from one long piece of country track, I can make the journey shorter or keep going and make it as long as I want to.
According to my bike GPS app, when I got home, I had done fifteen miles and a slow fifteen miles at that, as I knew it would be, as it was my first cycle in two weeks. No records broken here, no silly time trials but much more than a bimble. I did push myself without being silly, and when I got home, it felt good.
So then it was off to the garden, and with table and chairs moved, plant pots put to one side, and the barbecue pushed away to safety, I got my power washer out and went straight into slab cleaning mode on the patio area. It was only a water power wash to get rid of the green film that appears on stone slabs, and an hour later, I was finished, with everything back in place.
After that, it was time to put a few photos up in the conservatory, and I sat down to start writing this, and the difference was startling. How I felt at eleven o’clock this morning compared to mid-afternoon was amazing, and it is hard to believe you are the same person.
But as the post above shows, this is how quickly things can change. One time it is
back to sleep for three hours, the next time, it is a fifteen-mile cycle and an hour jet washing slabs, yet the effect is the same. The end result on both occasions has been no anxious feelings both times. Yet, the cures couldn’t be further apart. The main difference was the level of anxiety at the start, but in the end, it still resulted in zero on my scales of zero to ten, and that is the important thing.
I have also said that what works for one person won’t necessarily work for someone else, but this shows that those two completely different actions can mean we end up with a short term and quick cure for the same person, and again maybe not quite making sense.
But I wanted to write this to show how life can be and how unpredictable anxiety and PTSD can be, the uncertainties and the various ways it can come and go. I am sure people have the same daily issues, triggers, remedies, and routines, but mine doesn’t seem to be like that. I can see no patterns or similarities. Could you call this unpredictable companion a bit of a bully?
Thanks for reading, and stay safe.