I was hoping that I would never get round to writing ‘My Story 41’ simply because I thought the way my life was going, there was no more to say about anxiety, certainly as a part of my life, but as before, during November 2020, once again I was wrong!
If you have read my story, you will know that being away from home was a major problem for me in the early stages. I often just needed to get back to my house as it was my place of safety and solace. And now, some eight years after my condition started to affect me, I wonder if there are parts of my condition that will still come back to haunt me. If you read this post, you will know that whilst on holiday, my little ‘pangs’, as I call them, came back one morning, which I could not understand. There was no reason, I was away on holiday, I was relaxed, chilled, enjoying myself and they just came back to say hello.
https://www.thruanxiouseyes.com/2021/07/12/just-saying-hello-my-journey-day-4/
Well, if you have read that post, the one where I was fine going to bed but woke up the next morning, pretty much debilitated by an attack of anxiety for reasons I still don’t understand, you will know how it can be even worse than the little ‘hello’s’ I received on holiday! And to better understand how things can be, it may be best to read these two stories?
https://www.thruanxiouseyes.com/2020/06/06/my-story-19-i-got-anxiety-wrong/
And so, after 1031 miles of travelling on our holiday, we made it back home to my place of safety, not that there were any issues while we were away, other than that one morning. I don’t work Mondays, and I had booked Tuesday off to spend the day with my wife, who had booked the rest of the second week off too.
So very much to my surprise, there I was lying in bed on Tuesday morning, and I didn’t have a ‘pang’. I had an attack of anxiety that lasted all of about three seconds! I say an attack because it was bad. Again, when I was at my worst, anxiety was there gnawing away at me and gave me this horrible feeling deep down inside, and it is a feeling I will never forget. And the feelings were there in both these stories; whether they be these quick hits or lasting for longer periods, the feeling is the same. It is the intensity that is different.
And so that is exactly what happened on Tuesday morning for those three seconds or so, but this time if it had lasted longer, I don’t know how or if I would have coped, it was at ten on my one to ten scale, and it was horrible, worse and more intense than in ‘My Story 19,’ thankfully only for three seconds and no more. For the life of me, I have no idea why this happened or what brought it on? But this is what happens, and I don’t understand it. Why is it I am happily living my life, and this happens to me? But it happens in different ways and at different times, and when all is good, when I am happy and relaxed, everything in my life is going well, and so it’s not expected.
Sure my underlying issues are there; they always are, and they probably always will be.
https://www.thruanxiouseyes.com/2020/02/01/my-story-3-my-decision-my-fault/
Life will never let me forget what I did and the mistakes I made; even if I go to my local pub, some seven to eight hundred metres away, I get two reminders on the walk there in the form of her name on two neighbours vehicles. The food menu holders also have her name on them, which is shared with a well-known drink brand. I don’t need to go looking for it; it is there every day kicking me!
I have an account on Twitter for my photos, and nearly every time I post an image from the local area, this person sharing her name likes my pictures! Some say close your account, but why should I? I want the world to see my photos, and if I deleted my account, I know I would be doing it to stop seeing this lady being mentioned. So however we look at these things, the reminders are there. I could walk a different way to the pub, but it’s longer, and the detour means I would know I was doing it to avoid the vehicles, so I would still be reminding myself. Does that make sense? Either way, life will not let me forget, even when I am a million miles away in my own little world. Something jumps up and smacks me in the face; I think I may have already said that if her surname had been Smith, I would have heard or seen it less often.
So they are always there these issues and my mistakes, but I wanted to write this to point out that even when we look at our lives and are fortunate that things are all good, anxiety may, just may, decide to pop back to remind you of what it can do to you. I have no idea why this happens; I can’t give opinions or advice on this one because I don’t know why it happens. But as life’s way of reminding me of my indiscretions, it’s as if anxiety wants to do the same thing and jump up and smack me to say ‘remember me.’ Yet All I did was fall off a bike on a Welsh hillside.
There is always more. Today’s society annoys me a lot of the time, as has the handling of the pandemic. I don’t understand why many of these things happen; you only need to read my post about Love Island a few days ago; why we have this rubbish going on is beyond me! Add more serious subjects like knife crime, children starving, looting and calling it demonstrating, and so much more life is frustrating. And my latest train of thought is this:
My anxiety was brought on by the cycling accident, the bleeding on the brain, and so my PTSD, but that I thought had all gone, I have just come back from a twelve-mile cycle this morning, the first for two weeks due to the holiday, and it was hard work. After a mile or so, I wanted to turn back and go home, but I kept going, and it was hard work but good, but when I got home, I felt so much better, as I have mentioned before. The doing something has a positive effect on you and is good for you; however small, we all have different targets and objectives. So although the anxiety was brought on by a cycling accident, I cycle, and I enjoy it, there is no connection.
So has my anxiety decided to change the format, to move on to another type, because my mind realises I will keep cycling and keep enjoying it, as I did pretty much straight after the accident? Has it decided to re-appear as ‘General Anxiety Disorder’ (GAD)? It is a long-term condition that causes you to feel anxious about a wide range of situations and issues rather than one specific event. It’s a bit like getting primary cancer, and it creates a secondary type? Some may say that’s not a nice comparison; sorry, it’s the only one I know of because my Father is having to deal with this at the moment. Is that another underlying cause for anxiety – in whichever format?
Has my mind realised that I struggle with today’s society, and so it has decided to start affecting me in another way? Can your mind work like that, because I don’t know? But I do wonder.
I can’t control today’s society or the pandemic, so this will rarely bring on any anxiety, but it does annoy me, and I can’t help that and is that enough? I was messaging my friend during the week, and it got round to the news, and my opening line was ‘watching the news is bordering on depression.’ Well, for someone who has had anxiety, they are closely linked; remember, I was given anti-depressants when I was still in hospital after the accident!
It is now Saturday morning, and I watched the Tokyo Olympic Men’s Cycle Race, and it showed how fit these men must be (I can safely say men without upsetting anyone as it was the men’s race!) The cycled two hundred and thirty-four kilometres or one hundred and forty-five miles – and I struggled with twelve yesterday. That puts it into perspective really. They probably cycled faster uphill than I do downhill; they made it look simple, and what an achievement that must be.
My longish term target is to cycle fifty miles in one go; whether it will happen, time will tell. My previous target for cycling some nine years ago came to an abrupt end on a Welsh hillside.
But secondly, today, I went into my local butchers, and the owner is a likeable character, always chatty, smiling, polite and occasionally funny. In my usual manner, I asked him how life was, and his reply struck a note with me. ‘I’m good thanks, I just don’t watch the news or read the papers; it’s depressing.’ And I mentioned my message to my friend, and he just nodded in agreement. Funny how people see things the same way!
So maybe it is just today’s society annoying me (and butchers), and it’s eating away at me as anxiety occasionally still does. Are they linked – I can only assume they are.
But as I mentioned from the beginning, ‘My Story’ is hopefully to help someone, and that is why I have written this, simply to let people know how things can be. My writing about the condition doesn’t bring anxiety back, neither does talking about it, which I am doing now. I am in my writing world, and hopping this writing can help someone far outweighs my shield breaking down and letting anxiety back in. Either way, I hope it can help someone.
Thank you for reading, and stay safe