Apologies but I will say again that I wrote a book about my experiences, started not long after the accident but a book that was never finished, let alone published. But I have kept it and as my site now allows me to publish ‘My Story’ myself, I use it to tell the story, and if anyone was to read it from part 1, I believe it follows on quite well, and I think it won’t be too long until it is finished! As always, my book is in italics.
Today is a strange day – it’s 5th January 2014, and it will be one year tomorrow since my accident happened, and how has today been? Quiet and not so good! I woke up feeling a little uneasy, and it continued for most of the day, I was very conscious of the fact that it is my anniversary today, as it is a Sunday. It was a Sunday that the accident happened, so it’s a year to the day, rather than a year to the date!!
We haven’t done much today really, I went out to take some photographs of some of the local flooding, and later on, we went to one of our locals to watch a disastrous Manchester United versus Swansea City in the FA Cup, and United got beat 2-1. It’s all gone wrong since Ferguson left, but it is early days yet. (2020 and not much has changed)
I have just had my tea, and my wife asked me if I was ok? And as with the Psychologist at the SET Team, I broke down. I would describe it as a very small breakdown, but it happened, it couldn’t have been the alcohol as I only had two shandies when I was out, it might have been the football result, but I have come to expect it under Moyes, so what was it? The only thing I can think of is my anniversary. If that is the case, I’m not looking forward to tomorrow and the 6th – a year to the date, maybe that’s a problem too? Funny thing your mind!
And it’s Monday 6th and guess what? Nothing, not a worry or a care or a piece of anxiety to be found, and I don’t understand, and I don’t think I ever will. I have, however, made a decision. I am going to leave this for a while and not write, see how things go and see if there are changes at all – here goes!
It’s now Friday 28th February, and I am still finding things strange! I will take you back to the very first page where I said that one of the problems I thought I would have would be when to stop writing and that I’m afraid is still the case. I am still not right, and I am still not back to my old self, so I don’t know when to stop. And as with a few paragraphs ago, and leaving my writing, it is now the 10.04.14. Last week was not so good, but I know why.
There is a guy at work that will remain nameless, and he is a good guy but hyperactive, and he says things as they are because he has a ‘couldn’t care less’ attitude, and he was annoying me and getting to me, and I let it. I did, however, manage to get it out of my head and decide to deal with it my way, and since I sorted myself out, I have been fine. Some say he is a bit of a bully always wanting his way, and with the way he says things I can understand what they mean, the thing is no one will bully me so he won’t win.
I have sorted it out in my head, and I am fine for the moment. The thing is I now wonder what will be next! How stupid my mind works sometimes, and I need to sort it out. The thing is by now, and you would have thought that I could do that easily enough – not the case. It’s funny how something or someone else affects how your mind works.
2020 – When I look back on that paragraph and sometimes wonder what it is all about, but is it so bad that it just doesn’t really make sense because of how my mind was – or is that my writing is so bad J
Sleeping through the night is still a problem, in fact, it has still not happened as it used to, but that I believe is now habit rather than the accident itself. However I slept from about 11pm to 6am without waking (I think), I could be getting greedy here but my alarm was set for 7am, I nearly got there. And that has to be a positive and maybe in time this will be normal, at present we will never know, but there’s always hope!
(2020 4.00am is the new wake up time, after I thought I had eventually got back to my old sleeping habits)!
I went to work stopping for money, and at the local shop on my way, there were no issues. I arrived at work, and the hyperactive joker was there on top form as always, we had a really good laugh about the usual nonsense, and all was good. I got my vehicle and got myself loaded up and sorted my route out and then – well then it hit me. That horrible feeling of anxiety, the one I thought had pretty much left me and gone away.
(2020 – Strange how it is still the same some 6/7 years later)
Why did this happen? Why fall off a bike in Wales? I have no idea. Nothing was wrong, and nothing had been on my mind, the only connection to my problems was bringing my laptop to work with me knowing I was going to write some more today if I had time – is that the link? I can’t see it because as I write this, I am feeling just fine, as if it’s one of my much-needed diversions, but then you can’t get a more direct link to what has happened than writing about it in detail.
If only I could answer my own questions, things might be better. I am reading over this on 11.04.14, and I feel just fine. I carry my laptop most days in case I want to write, some days I do and some I don’t, but knowing I have my laptop and knowing I am taking it to write about my problems is not making me anxious – so I think I can disregard the theory about the connection, that however means I don’t know!
(2020 – Will I ever know)?
So what have I done about it today? Well, I have told the wife who is home not very well; she was understanding as always. And other than that I have just kept going, and things have got better as the day has gone on, but I can’t help but wonder why it happens when there is nothing at all that I have to worry about or concern myself with, and I hate it, still hate it with a passion.
Other than that the last two months have been pretty good, my friend and I have decided that when the weather is better, we will go back to Llandegla, I want to cycle past the spot and stick two fingers up at it to see if it helps. He said we should go back and we would take the ‘easy’ route this time. I thought that was ironic considering that we were cycling uphill at about 4-5 mph when the accident happened! It doesn’t get any easier than that really, but we will go, although I need to get some cycling done first, I haven’t done much recently, so I need to prepare. He reckons it will put my demons to rest, knowing my luck I will fall off again!
And here in 2020, it is something that never happened, and I don’t know why from 6/7 years ago, but it won’t happen now as I don’t have a bike!
Thank you for reading and stay safe