And so my posts have reached double figures, and I hope that they can at least make interesting reading for some people, I know one post did for one person and that made me feel quite good. Funnily enough, someone well known from the world of international rugby. It is all new to me and as I have a full-time job and a busy social life and with other people to consider it is difficult finding as much time as I would like to dedicate to writing, how I wish I had done this a few years ago. Still, such is life, but I’m happy with the balance I have.
It is too easy to fall into a career rather than doing something we really want to do, and how many people say the same thing? I am fortunate not to have too many regrets in life; however, this is one that I do have, and so I am hoping that I can continue this for some time to come, even if it is a hobby rather than a profession. ‘My Story’ will (I assume) at some stage come to an end, but I can always find something to write about, or at least I hope I will.
On that note should anyone of a younger age be reading this, please think about where you are career-wise, and where you want to go. There is one young person I know who has told me that they are bored with their job working in the local bookmakers. Now the job, while full time gives her some time to sit at the counter not doing very much, and in all fairness, she is often looking as bored as she has told me she is. There is something I don’t understand, and this is from experience, not as a shop worker but as a driver with time to spare.
We all know what we would prefer to do, I wish I had done more writing, or maybe looked more into psychology. I did a ‘first steps to Psychology’ course at my local college some years ago and never followed it up. So why not take that spare time we occasionally have at work, such as the young lady in the bookmakers and get paid to try to educate ourselves to gain qualifications to change our life paths, and do what we want to do rather than what we have to do. Again I am lucky, I’m not working in my chosen profession, but I am doing something I’m okay with, apart from having to drive too many miles. At least I get no grief and no stress, and no pressure means reduced anxiety – at least workwise. It’s a pity there are so many idiots on the road to contend with, but that never, gives me anxiety, it’s just frustrating that some people are allowed to drive cars!
And my point here is quite simple; people have stressful jobs and that in turn that can lead to other Mental Health Issues. I know of one person who’s anxiety was brought on by work, but how much better would your life be if you got up each morning really looking forward to your working day, doing something you enjoy for those eight or so hours, and coming home feeling good about what you have done. I wonder what percentage of the population can say they do that most days. I say ‘most’ because even if you were lucky enough to have a job like that, you must still have an occasional bad day?
So to the young lady in the bookmakers, I have spoken with her about changing jobs, and she says she would like to, but she is still there not doing much reading on those quieter days, and I would urge her to do something just because she is still young enough to do something about it. If she stays doing what she is doing, I’d like to meet her in a few years just to see if she did regret not doing anything, assuming she doesn’t.
I would encourage young people to have a good think about what they want to do and not to fall into a working life that may be okay to start with and may give them a decent wage for their age. It may give them some good things at a young age, but have a think about ten and fifteen years down the line when it is getting harder to change your career path. Something I wish I had thought about and done something about some thirty-five years or so ago!
At the time of my accident I had a busy job, I was Business Manager for a small family-owned company, importing from China, and supplying the UK and European markets in their chosen field, very successful and very busy and demanding role. Again one I was able to do, that gave me a good salary and lifestyle but certainly not one I necessarily wanted to do, done out of ability and experience rather than choice.
I took my own advice on Saturday morning and got up at 5.30, worse after a few beers the night before and not feeling great, self-inflicted I know, and some will say ‘serves you right’, but even so I was tired, and I just couldn’t sleep, and that to me is frustrating, why am I tired and not able to sleep? Why do I lie there wide awake, not being able to nod off, so I got up and did a bit of writing?
I wasn’t feeling anxious, I wasn’t even feeling uneasy, if anything I was bored, with it being March my February issues have gone and to be honest, I think they go around the 20th. I get a couple of dates out the way, and my head tells me everything is okay. January and February especially, will I believe hit me for a few years to come yet, but this year was better than last year, and so I know next year will be better again, and so on, it will just take time. While my January and February issues have gone, for now, the main underlying problems will still be there throughout the year.
It’s here I’d like to mention the word ‘pang.’ An internet search will tell you it means ‘a sudden sharp pain or painful emotion’, or ‘a sudden sharp feeling of emotional distress.’ And this is something that has stayed with me from very soon after the accident, and they were there on Saturday morning and was the second reason that I got up.
It’s a strange feeling, one I used to get often when my anxiety was at its worst and primarily when I used to lie awake in the early hours trying to sleep and trying to work out my problems and wondering where it had all gone wrong, and they are still there, even when I don’t feel anxious, it is a very short sharp visit. And so there are two feelings of anxiety for me, the lingering horrible nervous feeling, or these short sharp alternatives. But they both spell ‘anxiety’ to me.
My ‘pang’ is a short jab of emotions that starts just under my left breast and goes across my body to the bottom right of my abdomen, the same every time and best described as a short sharp shot of nerves lasting about a second, if that, but happening at varying intervals, I have tried to analyse these, and there is no pattern, especially after Saturday morning. Because on Saturday morning other than feeling a little rough, my world and my head were fine, my underlying issues had disappeared for the moment, preferably for good and I was in a good place, and so I ask ‘why the pangs?’ And my answer is ‘I have no idea!’
The pangs usually are for lying in bed, I have never known them to appear at any other time, and I find them strange little visitors and not ones I enjoy having. Admittedly they don’t stay but when they do appear they remind me of the darkest days, and I can’t help but remember how bad they were, and they are days that I don’t want to return.
The dark days were terrible, on the odd occasion over the last couple of years that I have returned there, I am in a bad way, the day at our local market was awful, and if you read all of ‘My Story 3’, you will know why. Some may say I should learn to appreciate the better days, and they will be right, but I have always found it challenging to be a ‘glass half full’ person. I have tried adopting self-help routines or reading books, my last self-help effort lasted a day, and I just could not get into it at all, and I didn’t persevere. The last book was put down after I had read half of it. Maybe I need to try harder. But I would certainly encourage people to do it and to have a go. Just because some self-help and some books don’t help me, it doesn’t mean they won’t help other people! Remember we need to find our own paths at times, not just through life but with our anxiety or other mental health issues.
I feel as if I need to apologise here as I have said all along that I would like my page and writing to hopefully help someone. I suppose my last little bit regarding the pangs, maybe most of ‘My Story’ will be of no use to people. Still, as I have said from the start, it is all about getting my story out there, so people know what goes on and what happens to those affected by these problems, as I have said, if it is happening to me it will probably be happening to others.
But please remember with pangs, concerns, mood changes or any other worries related to anxiety or other Mental Health Issues, talk to someone – it’s good to talk.
Thank you for reading and have a good day/weekend/week/month & year, and keep smiling.